Where to begin….
Yesterday, when I got home from work, a package for me was sitting on the ottoman in my family room. When I opened it, real-live paperback version of the book that was published was sitting in my hands. As I mentioned, I’ve seen the cover 1,000 times, but to touch it and flip through the pages was a righteous moment for me… and then I thought, “what if my mom see’s it?” LOL (40-something years old and afraid of what my mother will think – can anyone relate?) I mean, really, she doesn’t yet know anything about it… in the book, through fictional characters, I have laid out some of the most painful memories of my life… what if she reads it and judges me? what if she’s angry that I’ve publicly admitted my weaknesses? Could I hide it from her forever? Probably not. I was reminded of the conversation I had with the publisher when I told him my husband didn’t know about the book – he said, “well you better tell him before he sees you on the news”.
It had been terrifying for me to tell my husband, but I asked those encouraging me to pray for me.. and one night, I worked up enough courage to tell him. His response (“what was your purpose?”) caused me to deep-think how I would like to see God use this book. What seemed daunting to me ended up being a catalyst for me to change the “note from the author” (funny how life works that way sometimes).
At any rate, I decided that when my mom got home, I would simply ask her to read a book, and not tell her I was the author, since, of course, I have a pen name. She reads quickly – in fact, I believe she taught Evelyn Wood how to read back in the day! I went to a different room because I didn’t want to feel her judgement as she poured through the pages of my open heart. At one point, my daughter told me she was looking for me – but I was hiding.
After she finished the book, she came into the room where I was – I could swear there was a tear on her cheek. She said, “well, that was – WOW” I wasn’t sure if she meant WOW in a good way or a bad, so I asked her, and she said, “Good”, which I will take at face value. We talked about how my prayer is that it would reach people who are hurting and need to know God’s love.
I asked her if she was angry. She said, “Why would I be angry?” She said she knew I was the author in the first chapter – my identity is “thinly veiled”, as she put it. I asked her to keep it secret from the rest of my family. I told her they would not understand me. She agreed on both counts.
I really don’t know why I was so afraid, except to say that the pain that I experienced in my life is also pain that she experienced. I have seen how she’s handled it (well, I might add – she’s a fighter), and perhaps was afraid that dredging up old memories of pain would be difficult for her. She loves Jesus as much as I do – probably more. I believe that she will honor my prayer that God will use the message to let people know that, no matter what they’re going through in life, God is there with them and will help them through.
Many of you have already reached out to let me know your ordered your copy – thank you, thank you, thank you.
If you haven’t, and want to, please click the link below.
If you haven’t followed my journey, please do. I have a feeling it’s about to get real.
Have a blessed day, everyone!
Blessings, SB
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