Journey-For-Life

As I write, the light from my dimly lit candle wanes, flickering on the walls of my game room where i am snuggled in my recliner, in front of my electric fireplace which burns cold since our power went out 5 hours ago.

Mulling over good “word of the year” over the past week as I’ve nursed sickness, I’ve thought “Joy”, followed by “Organize”, and multiple other attempts to find just the right word.

I’ve spent much of the last week alone, mostly to keep germs away from my loved ones, but I’ve enjoyed the solace to be honest with you.

I’d say my Joy is being tempted today, on the very first day of the year. I know it’s a first world problem to complain about no electricity, but it’s also chilly in my home, which has no other source of heat.

I cannot organize anything because it’s far too dark… so that one is out, too.

As I wait on the power crew, I wait in the Lord, convinced He wants to do good, knowing that He HAS done good? but just waiting for Him to Show up big again.

Power in my phone is less than 10% now so I’ll sign off.

Happy New Year!

in a world so filled with hatred

the hearts of many wax cold

my heart aches for kindness

for the very young and old

but where i live is so unkind

it seems as if it could never be

yet i can’t help but wish

that others might someday see…

if kindness were a color

i think she would be green,

a reminder of the forest,

and all the growing things,

if kindness were a person,

sparkling eyes and cheeks of red,

with crows feet and laugh lines

from the joy and love she spread

if kindness were a melody,

symphonic bliss abound,

majestic and dramatic,

what a heavenly sound!

Ah! but kindness, it is fleeting

a mirage of broken dreams,

with callous hearts and bitterness

and words used to demean;

the longing for a kind soul

still lingers in my dreams

if,… if only… if ever….

kindness were a thing.

it’s been a minute since i posted. Life has been unbelievably busy… no lie. I’m ready for it to slow down a bit…

Some of you may remember my fascination with dreams over the years… and my dream journal. My past month has been filled with extremely vivid and realistic dreams, many of them about my business partner, Dan, who died a year ago in August.

Last nights dream was not about Dan but even more haunting. In the dream, one of my daughters had passed…and the other one was telling me that she had “talked” to her, and she had said something to the effect of, “good job, Booger (her nickname), I’m so proud of you”. We cried as she told me about it and she said, “I’d rather talk to her in person, mom.”. I replied, “so would I, but it’s nice to at least be able to talk to her like this”.

All of a sudden, I thought to myself, “All these years (45) and I didn’t know I could still talk to you, Daddy”

The dream went on to include different people and circumstances, including my husband doing our laundry and vacuuming the floor of our new home, which was a Frank Lloyd Wright-esque home that was sort of a “duplex”… our neighbor was “Rebecca”, except not the Rebecca that actually lives next to us, but the piano instructor from my studio. Three Russian siblings in tan Amish dresses came for piano lessons but I sent them to Rebeccas place.

Then I was driving a bus in a snowy parking lot to a meeting with people I worked with years ago.

I’m trying to piece everything together and find meaning…. I’m so very haunted by not talking to my daddy for 45 years! And losing a daughter. I pray as I sleep tonight that God will reveal more to me!

Be blessed!

over the past few years, i have been more diligent about devotions, spending time each morning studying scripture and praying. with my worship team, we spent the past year doing a short devotional each Sunday from a book of devotions i bought called “Grace Notes”, which relates themes to hymns (like Grace, or Faithfulnessl”

in previous years, i have selected a “word” of the year; however i am struggling with selecting one for this year.

instead, my goal this year is to write a devotion of my own each week, based on one of the worship songs our team does.

you’ll see these published in the category Devotion. my goal in this is more deep thought about the songs we’re singing and how they tie to spiritual life. who know, maybe someday i’ll publish. small book of devotions!

Be blessed my friends!

Happy New Year!

God is so awesome. When you love Him and trust Him, and look with expectation at the world around, He is faithful to send us signs of His goodness. I know this… and yet sometimes I find myself wallowing in self doubt and fear of failure.

As you know, a few weeks ago I was feeling pretty low… about the music studio which I have felt strongly was Gods calling in my life…. And I was frustrated with parents who don’t pay their invoice on time, leaving the studio strapped for cash flow. I was disheartened because September didn’t see the same level of been inquiries as previous September’s… and I began to doubt that I had heard God at all.

I read a pamphlet that said, “if you need more, give more”, and I increased my tithe, both at home and at the studio. and I began to pray specifically for all of our students and instructors and families…. It began to change my heart about how I felt. ( I also offered AutoPay to all of our students to help with cash flow), and joint a few Christian Business groups and Music Studio groups on Facebook to network with others who may be doing similar things.

Today I got a voice mail from an Emily looking for voice lessons. I called her back on my way to the studio… but I got her voice mail. Now we play phone tag. Her recorded message said, “hi this is Emily. Leave a message at the beep…. And, by the way, tell me how I can pray for you today!”

Ha. It caught me off guard. But I left a message and told her who I was… and that she could pray for the studio!

What a sweet girl! I can’t wait to talk with her again. Regardless if she becomes a student (although I am really hoping she does), I found her message very uplifting!

Thank you, Lord, for the reminder that You are in control. I commit our studio plans to You, and trust that You will direct our path, providing every resource needed in exactly Your timing. In Your Holy and Precious name I pray. Amen

Be blessed today, my friends!

SB

Friends, I am really wrestling with God lately. Over the past three years, I have seen God show up in enormous ways. Those glimpses of Gods power have truly lit me on fire and given me a passion to want others to experience what I have…

But man, the details of life can really get me down.

I apologize in advance for todays diatribe… but want to get it out there and ask my journey community if they could pray for me.

In 2019, We opened our music studio in Greensburg… my business partner Dan and me.

We are at the three year point and I’m exceedingly frustrated. I’m frustrated with parents who don’t respect our studio policies, students with little to know commitment, and managing the minutia in the daily details. I’m frustrated by families who don’t pay their tuition and expect lessons for free because they are going through hard times. In June, we saw a large drop off of students for a “summer break”. I’ve been teaching long enough to know they ain’t coming back

(As an aside, while I genuinely want to be sympathetic to people, and have actually paid some of their invoices out of my personal pocket – because it’s deeper than the studio pocket right now—- I find myself resentful for a couple of reasons.. one is that I too, have gone through A LOT of turmoil over the past three years of Dan’s illness. In addition, I think back to the sacrifice my own mother made to provide music education to me.. in 1985, she paid $25 per lesson for me to study privately with a professor from Duquesne University… that equates to almost $70 per lesson in todays currency…. And never once did my professor go unpaid)

Shortly after opening in 2019, Dan got very sick with his cancer and/or alcohol withdrawal (the docs couldn’t agree). It was literally within months of opening and I found myself questioning if I had heard Gods voice at all, or if it was just my own voice all along. I asked God to send me a sign one day… and literally within minutes, the phone rang and someone inquired about lessons. I needed that affirmation that day…

We’ve been growing steadily since, although Covid threw a wrench in, we seemed to recover nicely. We’ve continued to grow and God provided a windfall that enabled us to upgrade some things in the studio to prepare for other growth.

Dan passed in August. It was truly a blessing to see him grow in the Lord from broken man to redeemed, and ushered into Heaven, a journey for which I will be grateful to have been part.

I am confident that it was, indeed, Gods call top open the studio… the “coffee shop” that began in my mind back in 2009… and God has seemingly affirmed through the years.

I find myself, however, once again questioning if I just misheard God, or if, perhaps, the studio was simply a tool God used for me to help Dan get his life straightened around.

My hears desire is to have the studio be an awesome place where kids and families can go, not only to master music, but to work on mastering life. My vision is to do music missions someday, either home or abroad. I know somehow I need to be present to connect with students and families, but still work my day job and teach in my home (my home studio is what’s earning the money to pay my half of the studio). I don’t even pay myself for lessons that I teach at the studio because I donate my salary to the overhead expenses.

Over the past week, I’ve been working on a five year plan of personal finances, specifically to plan out being able to retire from my day job. (On paper, it looks like it will be in August of 2027).

I’ve been asking the Lord to show me something… some sign, some word, some gem that will keep me going. As I laid out budget before the Lord and prayed for His guidance, I heard very very soft words, “Give more”

I tithe 10% of my salary. And I give of my time and talents on top of that, and sometimes even more financially. i never felt I had the right to tithe my husbands income because … well because. But I thought, “ok, God, I can give more money if that’s what you want”….

I am familiar with the loaves and fishes.. and keenly aware that God owns the cattle on 1000 hills.. I don’t mind giving more financially… I just want to be a good steward of all he’s given. At the studio, I know I pay my instructors more than what good business people would recommend, which leaves very little for overhead (which is why I donate my time to cover the overhead). I am grateful for my day job because it affords the opportunity to be able to not get paid from the studio, but also requires the , that I keep my day job. Lol. What an ironic conundrum.

Since yesterday, our studio enrollment dropped by four more lesson blocks per month. Pretty soon there won’t be anything left to give….

Could I ask that you pray that God will show me what He wants of me.. and give me the courage to obey ? I specifically need some affirmation that the music studio is something He wants. If it is, I am REALLY needing that sign…. And if it isn’t, I pray He will show me the best way to decommission it… I appreciate so much!

Be blessed my friends

SB

Yesterday morning I woke up angry at God and started this post….

“Friends, I’m struggling a bit this morning. I’m selfishly angry with God and need to ask for prayer.

I woke up this morning with the thought, “why do I serve You if you won’t even answer my prayer?” Somewhat grudgingly, I went to “work” as our worship leader… to lead a team who is leading a congregation in worship.

I have seen God do miracles before my very eyes, and bring restoration to people. I know He is able.

I have given my life to the Lord… I am grateful to be able to serve Him with music every week. I give my tithes and offerings willingly and with a joyful heart.

I know full well that being a Christian doesn’t mean we don’t have strife. But part of me is resentful this morning. Why do I pour myself into trying to be more like Jesus and still have this division in my home? Tension so think I can cut it with a knife, hurt so deep only God can heal.

Scripture of yesterday is psalm 147:3… “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds”

Today, I woke up today feeling extremely anxious, about my job, and about the studio, and about students who haven’t paid their tuition, and about being able to pay my bills, and I lay in bed repeating the scripture, “be anxious for nothing but in prayer and petition, make your requests known to the Lord”

Then I got up to do my morning devotions

The verse of the day is:

Lord, I humble myself before You… I submit every anxious thought to you now and ask that You continue to shape me, equip me, enable and encourage me to be what You’ve called me to be and do what You’ve called me to do. I know You own a cattle on 1000 hills and will provide every need. Strip from me that which is NOT from You and help me let go of it, guide and direct each step, and provide for me mentors who can help me grow to be the person You want me to be.

“What is something you hope for?”

We asked this question in our small group of junior high students at youth group last fall.. I expected all sorts of answers from “I hope I pass my test” to “I hope for an amazing boyfriend”, or even “I hope for a Steelers win on Sunday”

To my dismay, what we got in return was crickets…. Even from our “Sunday school kids”.

(“Sunday school kids are the ones who grew up in Sunday School… who “know” the right answer to give even if they don’t believe it or don’t feel it. Though I’m thankful for these kids and their background in the Bible, sometimes I find their the hardest to actually break through because they put on a facade, and sometimes don’t deal well with the messiness of life. I always encourage our kids to just share THEIR feelings honestly and to NOT always give us the Sunday School answer)

On this day, though, my heart broke as NOT ONE of our 20+ kids could articulate a SINGLE thing they hoped for…. Not one.

And lest you think perhaps we leaders just put them on the spot awkwardly, might I just say that this same group normally has had no problem sharing their thoughts and personal struggles.

I literally had to ask them if they understood hope… and we spent some time discussing what it means to hope. My heart was broken.

What are we doing to our next generation? have we taken away ALL of their reason for hope? To the point where they no longer even TRY to have Hope leave and dreams?

My friends, if that doesn’t break your hearts, I would ask you to check your heartbeat…

What is something YOU hope for?

Blessings, SB