And just like that, we start a new year. My Facebook feed is full of words of wisdom from people, New Years resolutions, and best wishes for an awesome new beginning
I have none of that, today. I have only raw emotions from the events of the past few days. I am grieving and hopeful at the same time. I want so desperately for my friend to want help but have no idea if he does. Waiting for the withdrawal process to “complete” is excruciating. I wish I could speed the process up. He is being kept sedated to ease the effect on his body so he’s really not even coherent for a conversation.
This journey is like none I’ve ever been on before. It is new for me. I’m willing to learn what I can about addictions and willing to help Rob any way I can but I realize the choice is ultimately his. I have mentored teens who have gone through rehab and succeeded, but have never been this close to the actual process before.
I can’t help but feel as though I’ve failed somehow, mostly because I failed to see the signs of his usage. In my heart of hearts, I feel as though our friendship was a Divine appointment for God… for Rob to help me and me to help him. He has helped me over the past year and I’ve tried to help him. Now I realize that this is the hardest help effort on which I’ve ever embarked.
I know that when God calls us to something, if we are willing to be used, He will equip is with what we need. I am willing to let Him use me but genuinely afraid of failing. This is a life or death matter, truly. More than that, it’s an eternal matter. I know Rob professes to know Jesus and I’ve believed Him, but feel somehow that if he had fully surrendered to Jesus, his addiction would be healed. Perhaps that is too fairytale for reality.
Sorry for rambling, but I’m a mixed bag of emotions now. Please pray for me as I start this difficult journey.