In my twenties, just out of college, I worked for a small contract manufacturing company for a couple of years. I grew to really hate the job, specifically because I couldn’t stand the owner of the company, who was my boss. I saw him as manipulative, power-hungry person, who created conflict among the team that worked for him so that he could solve their problems for them and they would think him a hero. He would blow smoke up my skirt to make me think he thought I was wonderful, but that was part of his maniuplation. He relished in the drama he created among the ladies who worked in the shop. I affectionately referred to him as “the old, fat guy” because he literally ate food off of my plate when we were out to lunch. It was a toxic environment and I grew to hate it. I literally found it difficult to get out of bed every day.
I recall distincly the moment I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and began to look for a new job. As a female electrical engineer, I thought it should be fairly easy to find a new job in what was a decent job market at the time. After 3 months of sending resumes out to local companies, being fairly selective, I was admitedly frustrated.
Although I had been raised in a Christian home, circumstances in my life had caused me to question God, and I had only recently come to my own personal faith in Him. I hadn’t learned the art of full surrender to Him in every aspect of my life (and, in fact, wonder if we ever really fully learn that… but that’s a topic for later). I wrestled a bit with God over the fact that it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be to find a new job.
I distinctly remember the day I came to the place where I was able to fully surrender that aspect of my life to God’s will. I had gone, by myself, to lunch at a local restaurant, and was having a conversation with God about my frustrations about the job. I remember saying (hopefully not outloud) “there must be a reason You want me to stay here, so if You do, I am willing to stay. If there’s someone here who needs to see You in me, I am willing to stay in this job I hate to do what You’ve asked me to do. ” And with that, I was able to completely let go of the situation and, with a peace that I can’t explain, completely gave it up to God. It was more than just words that I said. It was a full surrender of my heart to the Master’s will. Difficult to explain to someone who has not experienced.
Exactly four days later, I was on a sales call in another small town, and I met with the Director of Operations for a manufacturing company. During our conversation, he mentioned he was looking for a manufacturing engineer. I told him my background, and handed him a resume (which I happened to have with me). He intereviewed me on the spot and offered me a job before I left. I gave my notice the next day (Friday), and the following Monday, began my new job.
I KNEW in that week that what had transpired was more about my obedience to God, and my willingness to TRUST Him than about the job itself. I KNEW that God was just waiting for me to get the point where I could FULLY SURRENDER to HIM – relinquishing my control to HIM – and then He answered my prayer.
I wish that I could tell you it’s just as easy as saying, OK, God, it’s yours. There was more to it than that, but it’s difficult to explain. There was a feeling that came with truly releasing the control, knowing it was hard to give up, but I knew when I did it. I wish I could tell you that, because of that experience, I could live a life where I release control to God all the time. I can’t tell you that.
I am wired to be a take-charge kind of person, and, as such, I tend to find it difficult to relinquish control at all.. not because I don’t want to. (In fact, I actually prefer sometimes whene other people will step up and control a situation). But the peace that comes with knowing God has our back and will provide for us better than our wildest imaginations..
It would be nice to think that, because of that experience, I never waivered on surrendering to God. The truth is, I can only think of a few times in my life where I’ve truly let go to let God. It’s hard for us to let go of the things that we want to control, but there is freedom in the release. I want to live my life in the full surrender of God, knowing that His plan is always best for me. I want to give it all to Him. I’m finding it difficult to let it go… not my will, Lord, but Yours.
Laying it down,