Ten years ago – or more – an idea popped into my head– an idea to build a business that would honor God. I was super pumped about the idea and was sure God would be, too. In fact, I was sure the idea was His. I prayed about it, expecting God to show me the details. What I heard was the inaudible yet unmistakable voice of God say, “fix your home”. Almost as if I didn’t believe my ears, I prayed again, this time telling God that I was on fire for Him and wanted to spread His love across the world. Again I heard, “fix your home”.
Friends, I’ve got to be honest. I know how to fix a lot of things. Being an engineer, I’ve come up with creative was to fix all kinds of problems. But my home? My home was a wreck at that point of my life. Truthfully.
Six years prior to that argument with God, I had made a very deliberate decision to stop feeling. The decision was made out of self preservation, a defense mechanism to protect my heart. My heart had been trampled so many times, I was tired of hurting and was in a very, very dark place.
Just prior to that decision, I began to reach toward Jesus to help me out of my depths of despair, which, at its worst, included thoughts of suicide. Over the course of a couple of years, God truly reached down and rescued me, and I was living for Him in most areas of my life. I was not only attending church and Bible studies, but I was serving Him in music ministry.
Still one of the areas of my life I found difficult to surrender to Him was my home. In truth, I had tried to submit my home to Him years before, but for reasons I don’t want to share yet, that part of my life wasn’t on the table for God to have.
I didn’t realize it was actually possible to turn feelings off, but I learned it was. It worked remarkably well actually until the moment God said, “fix you home”. I had no idea how to do that. I felt like I had surrendered all other areas of my life to God, but He wanted this one. My heart was so cold and dead I couldn’t even pray for my husband.
Needless to say, God and I were at an impass. I knew that He wouldn’t honor my wishes until I obeyed his command. I had to lay my home before his feet and ask Him to do it for me… not even help because I truly didn’t know where to begin, but just ask Him to do it. It was a process for sure.
Often, I think, we rely on ourselves to change things, but God works best when we get out of the way of ourselves and turn our hot mess completely over to Him. In the case of my home, I knew I couldn’t fix it. It was broken far beyond what I could repair. Interestingly, it was probably As much about changing my heart as it was changing my husbands. It was definitely not instantaneous. There were additional heartbreaks that God allowed in our life to begin to soften us (see my post: Applegate Miracle) I will also tell you it isn’t done. I can tell you, though, the place where I stand today is much different than that muddy pit I stood in all those years ago. I can honestly say that I love him and am confident he loves me. I will also confess that the path has not been a straight one; a crooked one filled with potholes and wrong turns, but I am learning to trust That God makes all things beautiful in His time. We will celebrate 24 years married (33 total together) this summer, and I’m thankful neither of us gave up.
Once again, i learned it was about full surrender to a God who loves me and wants what’s best for me.
I am a recovering control freak (can’t think of another name for it, but I feel like I need to know the details and plans). For those of you in recovery you know that sometimes life is about one day or one hour at a time. For this hour (maybe not the next, though), I am content to rest in His plan. He has brought me this far, He will bring me home.
Philippians 1:6, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.“
Be blessed today, my friends.
Humbly waiting for the fulfillment of His plan in me,
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